I'm falling, Trust fall!

Tiba-tiba teringat satu game paling keren selama ospek di Psikologi UA, game yang cukup mempertaruhkan nyawa, hehe... Trust fall. Kupikir itu khas Psiko UA aja, ternyata ada di Wikipedia, hehehhee.... and it's kinda popular around the globe^^ Bagaimana caranya? Hmm.. kalau yang di Psiko dulu sih, ada sekitar dua atau tiga meja yang ditumpuk seperti piramida, dan beberapa orang bersiap-siap di depan meja tersebut membentuk suatu formasi yang cukup kokoh untuk menopang temannya yang akan terjun dari atas puncak piramida meja tersebut setelah saling mengonfirmasi aba-aba yang telah disepakati. Oiya, ada instruktur yang akan memegangi di atas bersama orang yang siap jatuh. Instruktur akan memastikan orang tersebut benar-benar siap sebelum melepaskannya.

"Siap jatuh!"
"Siap terima!"
"Siap jatuh!"
"Siap terima!"

"Siap jatuh!"
"Siap terima!"

Iya, aba-aba diulang sampai tiga kali sampai teman yang terjun siap mental dan percaya untuk menjatuhkan diri ke bawah. Alhamdulillah, I could easily fall no matter who will accept me below. Like, I know I can trust my friends, or at least, they won't make stupid mistakes that endanger the name of this major^^

Sekarang, many years afterward, I start to rethink about my trust to others. Do I trust people too easy that sometimes I got deceived... or some sort of disappointment that hurts me. Or maybe I don't really care of what might happen to myself that I just do what I please at the moment, at the spurt of the mood... kind of...

And somehow today... I wish I could fall, and forget everything unpleasant. But will that help? Knowing that I'm not in a trust-fall setting, just that, I wanted an easy escape from things around me. Being around people, smile, looking fine and doing routines as I have to. Nothing wrong with that. It's just that, when suddenly that subject come out to conversation.... =) I smiled, as if nothing ever happen inside of me. I went home, my Mom still gives me her cold shoulder. My brother, I can't stand it. I do nothing and he hates me for being exist. Yeah, whatever. My son? I don't know what to do, his just too innocent to be that, I'm afraid that I'm corrupting him somehow. Maybe I'm better off from him? Even though I'm his one and only mom...

Can I trust myself? To talk to myself when I don't know who to talk freely about things. To Allah is the one and only solution, actually. I know but still, I don't really know...  yeah, I'm kinda lost because of this silent treatment when my world is so loud I want to mock everyone I hate. It's not good, I know. I just want to be heard, maybe. Such an attention-seeker, huh?

Is it wrong to feel sad? Is it so wrong to cry when no one heard? Is it a mistake to let this tears fall down when I tried to keep it inside from real people around me... I'm telling the entire internet society while thinking of it as personal matters. So silly, I know. So much because I can't bear it myself. I'm this weak. Indeed. I'm not that strong to keep it just inside of me and never reveal it to the world. What am I worried about? I don't know. When it's destined to happen, it will happen no matter what. So why worried? Why sad? What's the need to angry about the unpleasant emotions you make yourself endure?

I think I need a help, a friend to talk, an expert. But then.... it's too expensive to come to a psychologist. I'm kinda regret why I didn't choose master and profession degree before. But what's the use of this kind of regrets? LOL. I have Allah that His presence is sufficient. He is more than enough for all my needs. 

I know yet I'm still in this kind of cloud.

"Siap jatuh...."

*hening*

"Siap jatuh..."

*masih hening*

"Siap jatuh....."

*krik krik krik*