Me-time [memory, forgiving, moving on]

Ooh yeaahhh.. relax!

Alhamdulillah, my beloved little baby has gone to sleep, hope that he has a good deep sleep so I can have a quality "me-time" and indulge myself in things I want to do for myself. Actually writing is not on the list tonight, but since Mom triggers an old unpleasing memory that left me crying under my pillow for quite some times... I came to think of writing something to sort out my mind, somehow. I wish to achieve so.

Okay, so it's about someone I need to forgive, for whatever reason it might be, I need to be brave, strong and somehow tough to forgive him, or the situation that already happen, for it is actually for my own good... I feel like, "What?! Why should I forgive him and act 'normal' as if nothing ever happened? As if I wasn't hurt, as if I feel nothing after he abandoned me and my son like nothing. Why should I do that?!"

and the answer I hear myself from inside is actually as this simple, "Why not?"

and this is what I should be doing!

and I can't easily accept it. Still, I don't think anyone should abandon my existence, my feeling, my so important, myself...

Guess that that's the problem. I am so self-centered to think my existence is so important that when I got ignored, left behind with no words or even a proper good-bye, I thought of 'not forgiving until he receives severe punishment or fall into some kinds of misery in his life'. I feel like I might be happy or satisfied when I finally see him suffer. A lot.

But maybe Allah doesn't want me to be such a person. Or I shouldn't let myself become such an existence. To laugh upon other's misery... no matter how delighted that might be.

I should, like, really.

Argh... my precious me-time... before I run out of time, I should publish it =)

It's an everyday process, of learning to behave, to control emotions, to forgive ourselves, that we fall into mistakes and it's okay to stand up once again and repent. It's not for them, but to heal our very own soul. Living a better life without thinking of revenge and other's misfortune. Still, I'm trying hard to be positive, that it meant to happen with good intention for the future.

I wish...

everybody wants to be a cat...