I was full of ideas and piece of sentences when I walk, I eat, I drive my motorcycle, even when I pray. It was like 'I want to write this, or that, tell the world this, and that, etc' but then, when I finally got the time to open my laptop, get connected thru personal hotspot.....
it's just this.. *blank*
blank paper, blank mind, overwhelming ideas, sounds like beautiful intelligent word come all at once and pop! I don't know what to say, what to write. So this time, I might sort it out one by one, for a better future note, I guess.
# About me and Mom
the way we no longer speak, the way I feel like I miss her but I don't know what to say. Right word at the right time.... the way, things has fallen into unspeakable situation. Somehow.
#About 'Beautiful Lights' that I saw
It was the lights from the currently under development new apartment. Well, should I say, currently build? I don't know. It's just that, I got a view of a complex of apartment to be, across the main street. Sounds expensive and exclusive but I want to be there. Being part of the residence,.... like, how nice it might be to live there, being part of those lights... ahahhhaaa... everything you don't own might look beautiful, though.
#About 'package'!!
It's a habit. Of buying things online and have it delivered right into my front door. But the problem is, mostly it's mom who received the package while I was the one ordering it. It's absolutely a troublesome for her. No need to even asked. It's not even once that she complained about how often package is coming. The recent one was actually a shopping I made for my afternoon Qur'an course. It's not personal. The upcoming one is. Definitely it's just my justification that I don't have time to visit the offline shop to buy those things.... oh well.
#About me and my progress on being 'ignorant'
I want to do things as I please, of course that's not possible. But then, why should I bother too much about other's opinion? It's common to have people agree and disagree on your decision. It's always two sides of everything, simple as day and night, north and south, up and down, positive and negative, agree and disagree. Is it because I don't have a clear vision of my future that I let people make decision for my life? Like, I don't want to struggle too much on things I feel like the right to do because it will hurt other, or I might need their help later that having an argue with them won't benefit me later... such stuff.
what's wrong with me actually? I really thought that I was crazy two days ago. Call it my hormones' responsibility, but I cried a lot in a day especially after an incident with Mom.
It's about mom again.... why is it always... fail with her? Like, I no longer know how to speak properly to her. It's like, any words I choose is a failure. Any tones, any behavior, it always look so wrong, that she criticize me this way and that way, the way I feel like I am not being understood and stuff... while I know I'm no longer a school grader in need of attention. I'm already 29 years old who act like a rebellious teenager. Am I still suffering from "divorce trauma" that it drives me this way? Isn't just my justification for acting like a crazy adult?
I don't really know about myself, I guess. But one thing I pray the most to Allah, that I'm not a "failed product" since I know Allah created human beings one by one for a specific reason.
It's just that I fail to understand myself until now, why I live up to this point in my life, and how it will ends...
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