I'm too afraid to come home today from work. It felt like my feet was unwilling to move toward the parking lot. Yet I knew I don't have any other place to go. Thinking that someone was waiting for me home gave me a little hope to move and not making any detour. Going straight home. That was what I thought, but then....
It is. I finally set my foot at home after about 15 minutes of driving a motor, only to find out my little toddler shut the door for me. Okay, it was a one year and eleven month old kid who did so but, somehow it breaks my heart. I thought he might be waiting for me to come home, welcome me with a warm hug and bright smile to melt the cloudy thoughts in my head, and kind of stormy feelings in my heart, yet...
Okay, he might be playing a prank for fun. Or maybe deep inside, he was a bit protest because you start the weaning process harshly. That could be possible, isn't it? You've heard the phrase 'Terrible Two' somewhere.... maybe he is in such stage of development.
Fear of rejection, huh...
You feel like you're rejected by your husband, that now he became your ex. Then from your mother, who restrain herself from talking to you in the past few days. You feel like the need to "exclude" yourself from any of your classmates because you see yourself as a "failure" who lives in a slump. Not like them who are success in life. In your point of view. It's all in your mind, isn't it Ras?
So, isn't it all JUST in your mind?
But to be honest with myself, that might be what I'm feeling of. Being abandoned by unworthy irresponsible husband makes me feel... pathetic, I take pity on myself for letting me married him. Giving birth to his seed he never see again up until now. Going back to my parents' house and depending AGAIN on their financial support at first sounds okay. Kind of devastated but I do need help to raise this kid. Yet another challenge came up. I didn't really have the confidence to raise my son with my own "nurturing style". My parents, especially mom, kinda helping, or maybe 'interfering' in some way I perceive, in the way of taking care of their one and only grandchild. Now that I recently receive some kind of 'silent treatment' from mom makes me feel more miserable. I spent these days crying most of the time. Like, I don't know what to do, actually. I tried to do the routines but sometimes it feels like it's never enough. And I become hungry. Almost often. I drank much water though. Almost 3 liters I guess.
*long sigh*
What should I do to make myself feel better?
Only reflecting without a real prayer to Allah seems nonsense, nonetheless. But then.... well.... yeah, I wish Allah send me someone to tell me exactly what I am supposed to do. The right words to say, the right act to take. '
Or I wish it will rain tomorrow to wipe off all these... and let the rain wash it all. Along the way it took my problems away.....
For now, I wish to be a good person. Japanese has a word 'yasahii' (優しい) which means gentle, sweet, tender and kind. I imagine this as being a person who has soft heart, warm smile, patience and virtue to all things in life. Someone who doesn't take others for granted. Someone who will be sensitive enough to thank others for their good deed, and brave enough to admit their wrongdoing and ask for apologies. Someone who will never use violence to solve problem because they have a very good control of themselves. Someone who has forgive their past and accept their present, having a clear vision of their future. Like, they aren't bothered by small things and just easily forgive others' mistake....
Someone who close the hole in their heart with thankful feelings that being able to live one more day is more than enough to thank the Creator.....
Someone who won't feel miserable and frustrated just because her son choose his grandma over her. Because she knows that her good points aren't just as breastfeeding source.... that her value is more than that. That she's the only mom her son could have so there should be more and unlimited list of tasks she can be doing for her son. That maybe if she really work it out, she can be her son's world....
somehow.
It is. I finally set my foot at home after about 15 minutes of driving a motor, only to find out my little toddler shut the door for me. Okay, it was a one year and eleven month old kid who did so but, somehow it breaks my heart. I thought he might be waiting for me to come home, welcome me with a warm hug and bright smile to melt the cloudy thoughts in my head, and kind of stormy feelings in my heart, yet...
Okay, he might be playing a prank for fun. Or maybe deep inside, he was a bit protest because you start the weaning process harshly. That could be possible, isn't it? You've heard the phrase 'Terrible Two' somewhere.... maybe he is in such stage of development.
Fear of rejection, huh...
You feel like you're rejected by your husband, that now he became your ex. Then from your mother, who restrain herself from talking to you in the past few days. You feel like the need to "exclude" yourself from any of your classmates because you see yourself as a "failure" who lives in a slump. Not like them who are success in life. In your point of view. It's all in your mind, isn't it Ras?
So, isn't it all JUST in your mind?
But to be honest with myself, that might be what I'm feeling of. Being abandoned by unworthy irresponsible husband makes me feel... pathetic, I take pity on myself for letting me married him. Giving birth to his seed he never see again up until now. Going back to my parents' house and depending AGAIN on their financial support at first sounds okay. Kind of devastated but I do need help to raise this kid. Yet another challenge came up. I didn't really have the confidence to raise my son with my own "nurturing style". My parents, especially mom, kinda helping, or maybe 'interfering' in some way I perceive, in the way of taking care of their one and only grandchild. Now that I recently receive some kind of 'silent treatment' from mom makes me feel more miserable. I spent these days crying most of the time. Like, I don't know what to do, actually. I tried to do the routines but sometimes it feels like it's never enough. And I become hungry. Almost often. I drank much water though. Almost 3 liters I guess.
*long sigh*
What should I do to make myself feel better?
Only reflecting without a real prayer to Allah seems nonsense, nonetheless. But then.... well.... yeah, I wish Allah send me someone to tell me exactly what I am supposed to do. The right words to say, the right act to take. '
Or I wish it will rain tomorrow to wipe off all these... and let the rain wash it all. Along the way it took my problems away.....
For now, I wish to be a good person. Japanese has a word 'yasahii' (優しい) which means gentle, sweet, tender and kind. I imagine this as being a person who has soft heart, warm smile, patience and virtue to all things in life. Someone who doesn't take others for granted. Someone who will be sensitive enough to thank others for their good deed, and brave enough to admit their wrongdoing and ask for apologies. Someone who will never use violence to solve problem because they have a very good control of themselves. Someone who has forgive their past and accept their present, having a clear vision of their future. Like, they aren't bothered by small things and just easily forgive others' mistake....
Someone who close the hole in their heart with thankful feelings that being able to live one more day is more than enough to thank the Creator.....
Someone who won't feel miserable and frustrated just because her son choose his grandma over her. Because she knows that her good points aren't just as breastfeeding source.... that her value is more than that. That she's the only mom her son could have so there should be more and unlimited list of tasks she can be doing for her son. That maybe if she really work it out, she can be her son's world....
somehow.
Rasssssss... Nangis aku bacanya.. Ujianku ga ada seperapatnya ujianmu.. T.T sabar ya ras.. Sesungguhnya setelah kesulitan ada kemudahan.. Itu mama.. Dah surrender aja.. Turuti apa maunya.. Minta lah maaf.. Ridho Allah tergantung Ridho orang tua.. Hidupmu tergantung Allah.. Maaf kasi unnecessary comments, Ganbatte sisstt.. Tulis yang banyak.. Nanti kita baca kita Berbagi feelings.. Love youu sisst
ReplyDeleteMbaaak... Aku berasa jualan kisah sedih di hari minggu, hehehhe... Allah sayang ama kita lah. Ngasi ujian macem2 bikin kita inget supaya cuma bergantung sama Allah. Many thanks comment and reminder nya yahhh... =)
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